I'm Happy
'So are you happy?' he asked me.
"Probably", I responded, thoughtfully.
'Probably? What do you mean? Either you are or you aren't, there's no maybe in this equation', he responded, sounding anxious.
I responded, "Well, see, I can be maybe happy and maybe sad. I might even be angry. But I cant feel only one at a time, they all hit like waves, all at one time, and they don't stop. The reason I say probably, is because I'm not happy with how things in my life turned out, but I have no choice but to accept things as they are, even if it makes me sad that I can't be happy believing that everything went my way and my way only, it's not possible, and so far my lesson in life is learning that to be happy, you have to be accepting. Something no one really stands for. But I'm not fully happy because of the fact not everything turns out as well as I had wished. Like for example, I miss him, but Im not allowing myself to anymore, because I'm only going to hurt myself and damage my well-being and not be fruitful to others around me, and if I'm down, others will go down with me, so me finally finding the strength to let go makes me happy. But I'm sad that I have to accept that bad things just happen. So I'm not fully happy. But I'm also not overly upset about such things. I'm in the middle, sitting in silence and watching the waves that once crashed on me just push water to my feet. Im relaxed."
'...Do you feel pain?'
"Yes. I do. But it reminds me that nothing is perfect. And pain is a way in life. I took my road and sometimes it dont bring you where you want to to go. But I'm not going to live my life in regret. I'm accepting them as they are. And I'm happy I can think this way. Even if it takes me awhile to understand things, I always overthink it untill I make it make sense. Whether or not I'm wrong. But its all I've got, so that's all there is to it. To be happy you need to accept that you only are because it would fill you with sadness if whatever made you happy lost its way with you. And to be sad, you need to accept you were lucky enough to have had what made you happy because nothing lasts forever."
Hesitant in answering, I only heard the echo of my own voice in my head for many long moments, hoping he understood me.
Finally he spoke, 'What does make you happy?'
"Honestly, nothing that I could do. I feel more at ease if someone else is taking my wheel, and guiding me. But even then, its hard to know if I'm happy. But I'm not upset at least."
'What can I do to help?'
"You don't have to do anything at all. To know you care enough to ask is all that I need, but I did not expect it, nor did I want you to ask. But because you did I now feel like I owe you, just because you care for me. So what can I do for you?"
'Tell me that your happy, even if your lying, just so that you hear yourself say it, and might actually believe it'
"I'm happy."